Although Adam Cox is our head of wealth management, he’s not shy about discussing the financial burdens of his past: namely, more than $200,000 in student loan debt.

If anything, his transparency and authenticity are what set him apart in the financial services industry.

So when authors Heather and Douglas Boneparth were working on their new book, Money Together, about how couples can improve their financial lives, they connected with their friend Cox and his wife, Diane.

The results appear in the book’s ninth chapter, which is simply called “Diablo.”

Diablo

“A deep track from our story is the fact that we had, you know, $220,000 in student loans that I had accumulated to get graduate degrees,” said Adam on a recent episode of our podcast, Common Cents on the Prairie™.

He continued, “To pay those things off, Diane and I really needed a common enemy. And so, we had an account that we called ‘Diablo.’ It was a savings account where we put all the money in that was going towards paying back that student loan.”

His story resonated deeply with Heather Boneparth, who could relate through her own background with student loan debt.

“When I first heard your story,” she said to Adam, “it struck me because it was so similar to mine.”

She, too, had borrowed more than $200,000 to earn a law degree.

“I knew I wanted to use your story, but I didn’t know how,” Heather told Adam on the podcast episode, “because I said, ‘How can two people with such similar stories have taken away something so different from the experience?’”

Ahead of the book’s release on October 28, Adam invited the couple to join him on the podcast for a conversation about their writing process and biggest takeaways.

Here are the highlights from the episode:

Conversations with couples

Adam: You guys have a new book coming out called “Money Together.” So, let’s start with this: tell me about the book and how it came together.

Heather: The book is about how to communicate better about money with your partner. It’s about all the conversations that we’re not having that we should be having, because we know that money is not just money.

Douglas: I think money, in general, is a very tough topic to talk about with people, and I think it’s particularly difficult to talk about with the person you love the most.

…Hopefully, when you read a story that resonates with you, or there’s something that says, “Ah, that’s us,” we can bring down those walls that are preventing people from having the type of communication that’s necessary to play the game.

Adam: What were some of the big things that stood out as you talked to people?

Heather: I would say that time is our greatest currency — that time matters so much more than you realize.

And I say that not only in the time that can run out, but also just in the way that we spend our time, and how we spend our time each week, and how much value there is in creating equity in a couple regarding how we’re allowed to spend our time.

Douglas: Given that so much of this book is figuring out how to effectively communicate with your partner, there is a theme about meeting your partner where they’re at.

…There are 1,000 pathways to doing money together, truly, but all of those pathways start by understanding your partner, their feelings and attitudes, how they learn, and how they operate.

Adam: Did anything surprise you?

Heather: I think that when we talk about communicating…it’s not just sitting down and seeing the spreadsheets and talking about the budgets and everything.

It’s seeing past what’s being said to what people are really feeling. And there’s a lot to glean even from the silence in these conversations.

Douglas: I was surprised by people’s willingness, ultimately, to share their stories with us.

…The second surprise would be the feedback we would receive from those couples who then would begin having more intimate and deeper conversations.

Doing money together

Adam: Did you take away things from people’s stories or how they approach money, and did it change the way that the two of you interact with money, or talk about it, or split things up?

Douglas: Just like in my own financial planning practice, where one of the greatest strengths is drawing on the stories of the households that we serve to help other households…Heather and I were able to take that same mechanic and apply it to the way that we talked about money and the way that we approached it.

Heather: Doug is, like, a fixer. …Seeing it modeled in other ways, even just the way that a couple has interacted around these financial issues, he allows for there to be more space in the dialogue around it.

Adam: How do you two stay on the same page with money?

Douglas: A big part of the book is how we drifted apart and, you know, didn’t have the space we needed to effectively communicate around our personal finances. Thanks, COVID.

…And we came out of that. We caught ourselves by making the decision to work together and really say, “Okay, now is the time. Rather than build resentment, now is the time to bring it all together and start working on this together.”

Heather: Access, consistency, communication, space to kind of let things breathe a little bit without needing to resolve everything right away: those are some of the main changes.

Adam: You two have really dug in and talked about your money histories and figured each other out.

…A lot of couples, I’d say — dare I say the vast majority of couples — have not done that work. So, how long did it take the two of you to get to that place?

Heather: It’s a practice, not a solution. I think that’s the point. Like, we are deeper into the practice of figuring out who we are with respect for one another, and, I don’t know, maybe some couples will never go that deep into the practice of understanding each other.

…This is a book of love stories that have to do with money, and I want people to understand that one of the greatest things you can do is to be more curious about the person that you love.

For the full conversation with Heather and Douglas Boneparth, watch the episode of Common Cents on the Prairie at the player below. Or, you can listen on Apple Podcasts or your favorite streaming app.

If you want to improve your financial partnership with your spouse, send a note to our team at First National Wealth Management. Our financial experts would love to be part of your journey!

Any comments, insights, or strategies discussed in this article are intended to be general in nature and, therefore, may not be suitable for you and your situation, whatever that may be. Before acting on anything written here, please consult with your attorney, CPA, and/or your financial advisor.